One Year
by CJinn
Summary: Obi-Wan contemplates his first year as a Master.


_Disclaimer: I own neither Obi-Wan, Anakin nor Qui-Gon Jinn. Unfortunately they all belong to George Lucas/Disney. I just borrow them for a moment. And the writing is just for fun, no money for me here._

 **One Year**

One year. How can it be? Today it's one year since you died on Naboo, Master. It feels like an eternity, and still it's so short time compared to the eternity and even compared to the years we spent together. It's almost unreal. Yet it's more real now than it was then. And I miss you so much. You were the father I never had, the father I didn't know I wanted, Or needed. Admittedly we had a rough start and for a while I didn't believe you wanted me as your padawan. I felt that Master Yoda somehow had tricked you into the position. I felt so insecure. But as the years passed I trusted you more and more, until you became my father in everything but blood.

They say Jedi don't cry. Well, that's wrong. I did cry. A lot. When I held you in my arms there in that awful reactor and you drew your last breath, I felt for a moment like I was dying too. But of course I didn't. I had to live on, but that first night… Oh, Master, when the guards came to look for us I managed to get a grip on myself and pretend being a calm jedi, but it lasted only so long. I couldn't sleep that night. I tossed and turned in the bed in the room the Queen had given me, but it was in vain, so I went down into the garden. You should have seen it, Master. You were always the one who loved flowers and plants. Me…not so much. They obviously didn't like me either, since they almost died every time you were assigned a solo mission and I stayed behind and you wanted me to take care of them. But that night I felt somewhat comforted in the garden because I knew how much you would have appreciated it. I fell down on my knees behind an Alderaanian Mountain Pine and I really, really intended to meditate and release my feelings into the Force like any good Jedi should have done. Instead I cried until my eyes were sore and I finally fell asleep from mere exhaustion. So Jedi definitely cry.

Fortunately I woke and got back to my room before anyone discovered me. It would have been most embarrassing if someone had found me there. I didn't cry after that. It didn't mean that I didn't feel like doing it though, but my shields held.

There were so many things to be taken care of and everything happened in a blur. Master Windu, and Master Yoda came and they knighted me there and then. I didn't feel worthy and still I feel almost like a fraud, but they did, and it felt all wrong because you weren't there, You should have cut my padawan braid. You should have kept it. Instead I put in your hand when they laid you on the funeral pyre. It felt right that way. But it also felt so very, very wrong. You should have been there alive and well, and hopefully a little proud of me too. Oh, well, maybe not. It's not the jedi way either.

And then there was Anakin. You trusted me to take care of him and become his Master, so I fulfilled your last wish. I am his Master now, as you wanted me to be. Probably you were the only one who wanted that. He didn't. He despised me at first, and he was so disappointed that you weren't to be his Master. I think he blamed me for your death, thinking I should have saved you, Sometimes I think that myself. No, I think that quite often, actually. I should have been faster, but I wasn't. And now you're gone. The Council didn't agree either. They denied me to train him at first, and it wasn't until I said I would fulfill my promise to you, with or without their acceptance, they gave in and accepted him as my Padawan. Obviously I have learned _something_ from all the times you defied the Council. At least you would have been proud of me for _that_. That stubborn streak must be a 'family thing'. Anakin has it as well. He's the most stubborn boy I've ever encountered.

I think he has accepted me as his Master now, though the word 'master' doesn't ring well in his ears. It brings back too many memories from his past, I think. But slowly we have adapted to each other, and sometimes he's even listening to what I say. I think he's almost as surprised as I when that happens. He's very gifted. It has only been a year and he's almost reached the level of his age mates when it comes to wielding a lightsaber. He's also very good in everything related to mechanics and flying, but he's a disaster in galactic history and diplomatics. Oh, well, it took him some time even to learn how to read and write aurebesh so I assume that may explain it. However, for some reason I don't think he will be a great diplomat. He's way to impatient and let's face it - undisciplined to make that his career.

It was rough in the beginning. In the evenings I could hear him crying, but when I entered his room to try to comfort him somehow he always blamed the glue he uses for gluing his model ships together, or something else. He never admitted crying, but I could feel him clearly in the Force. He missed his mother, he missed you and he was angry with both of us, You for dying and me for letting you die. He has calmed down now, and we're getting along better. A couple of weeks ago he actually hugged me. I was totally taken aback but gathered my wits and hug him briefly back. We don't get much training in such in the creche. He had, for once, got a good mark in writing and he was so happy. I assume it helped that the topic was related to hyperspace travels. He's a good kid, and after this year I don't regret the promise I made anymore. He's kind and compassionate, but also restless and sometimes he's a bit too self confident. Well, at least it's good that I haven't ingrained my own insecurities in him. He has the potential of becoming a great jedi some day, You were right, Master. I know that the potential is there, but still…still some doubt is lingering. You know how you used to tease me about my 'bad feelings'? Well, I sometimes have this bad feeling when he's around. It's like something dark is gathering around him and still it isn't there. Does that make any sense to you, Master? It sure doesn't to me. There's nothing dark about him. I know that much, but still it seems to cling to him.

It was hard to not show him my feelings during those first months. As a Master I should be calm and centered, but in reality I wanted to break down and cry ever so often. But I didn't. My shields held. After all I was 25 years and not a child anymore. But I certainly don't feel like a grown up Master either, but I have to pretend that I am one. Sometimes Anakin has blamed me for having no feelings at all. He should have known. Or not. It's best he doesn't know. I need to be calm and serene for him. I want him to trust me as his Master and then I must act like the Jedi I am. It still hurts though. Not as much as in the beginning, but it's still there. I don't think I ever will stop missing you.

You should have been here. You should have been Anakin's Master, not I. He would have respected you more. And I would have loved to have you around too, even if you weren't my Master anymore we would have been colleagues and friends. I would have liked that.

What a year it has been. Wait? What? Oh, I can sense Anakin approaching now. His classes must be over for the day. I'd better put on that serene Jedi mask and become 'Master Obi-Wan' again. And that droplet trickling down my cheek…it must be hot in here. I must be sweating. So, there it's gone.

"Hello there, Anakin. How was your day?"


End file.
